Thinking About My Mother On Mother's Day

My earliest memory of my mother, Harriet Louise Deuel Cioffi, is of me sitting at her feet while she sewed at her sewing machine. It was the early 1950’s and my mother often sang to me her favorite song… Que Sera, Sera…whatever will be, will be.

My mother was one of a kind.

She was smart and tough and funny and most of all generous. Her devotion to her family was her greatest passion. As I began to sort through her papers after she died, I came across countless notes and cards from her family expressing their love and gratitude to her.

In a letter from 1993, one of her sisters-in-law wrote …“I think back to the time when I first met you, and the beautiful baby shower you hosted for me, and the many times you came to visit us when your brother was sick in the hospital and the money you always left us, you were the only one who did that, and I’m ever so grateful.”

In another letter dated 2004, from a cousin, who as a young man came to live with my parents while he was a student at Duquesne University ... “Thank you for thinking of me. I too have many fond memories of the part you played in my life. I always say that you treated me like a visiting prince while you shared your home and life with me”.

And in a Christmas card, she received from my brother Fred and his family …” life couldn’t have given us a more beautiful gift than you”.

There was something very powerful about the connection to her that we all felt

Of course, my mother was not perfect, and like all of us, she was full of contradictions. She could be your biggest supporter, and she could be your harshest critic. But, at the end of the day, you knew that she loved you and that she only wanted what was best for all of us. And certainly, she knew that she was loved.

But contradictions, yes.

My mother was practical and pragmatic but also a dreamer. She always taught me to work hard but to dream big. She loved to gamble, but in a very measured way. On our occasional trips to a casino, I would always ask her what she would do if she won a lot of money. Her greatest fantasy was winning and buying all of us a new house and paying for the college education of all of her grandchildren.

Though I would not describe my mother as an optimist, she was always somehow hopeful about the future, especially when it came to moving to a new place. Her addresses in the last 17 years of her life are too numerous to mention, thanks to my sister and her family who tirelessly indulged my mother’s search for the perfect place to live. Their support gave her the independence she so fiercely clung to. And the day-to-day care they provided really extended her long and rich life.

Besides family, my mother had few passions, but I could not speak of her without mentioning her love of food and her unequaled cooking and baking skills.

And her love of music, especially Elton John. She discovered him when he performed at the funeral of Princess Diana and that was that. One of her only prized souvenirs was a pair of drum sticks she was given by his drummer at an Elton John concert that we attended in celebration of her 87th birthday.

Yes, she was one of a kind.

My mother died at age ninety-two over ten years ago. I had the opportunity and privilege to spend the last few weeks of her life with her, and as her illness progressed, my family and everyone around her marveled at her strength, her dignity, and her sharp mind. She didn’t complain; she only worried that she was a burden and that she was taking us away from our families during the holidays.

But until the end, she was honest about her wishes and only asked for honesty in return. As always, she knew what she did and did not want, she expressed it bravely, and she faced death with the same courage and determination that she faced life.

Que sera, sera…whatever will be will be.

If I could send a Mother’s Day note to her, this is what I would say…

Dear Harriet, We remember your smile, your laughter, your many talents, your bravery, and your generous spirit. You will always be in our hearts, and for that, we are forever grateful.

With much love, from your daughter